TurtleFrogMan

There’s a chicken wing restaurant near where I live that on Saturdays I often go to

After cutting the grass and
Wacking the weeds
Any trimming any bushes unruly

After several months if you sit in the same place the waitresses all get to know you

And I always sit down
in young Deborah’s section,
she’s got a crush on yours truly

She really enjoys all the stories I tell and she laughs at my hilarious jokes

She always makes sure I have plenty of ketchup, she doesn’t do that for the rest of these folks

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress
Being nice to you is part of her job
Sure, she laughs at your jokes but she laughs at the jokes
Of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Bob

One Saturday I’m sitting in my usual spot, but Debbie didn’t show for her shift

And I’m thinking My god,
what on earth could be wrong
If I had her address then I could save her

And so I lied and told her manager that Debbie had called me and asked if I could give her a lift

He gave me her address
On a cocktail napkin
And I thanked the man for doing me this favor!

And I imagined when she saw me I would be her handsome hero and she’d plant on me a passionate kiss

She’d say “leave your stupid, fat cow wife, she doesn’t love you, marry me instead and we’ll have marital bliss”

Men, don’t fall in love with the waitress
You’re not her white knight on a giant white galloping steed
You’re just another guy who got the cheeseburger combo
And an appetizer he didn’t need

So I drove up to her trailer and knocked softly on her screen
And this 6 foot four gorilla came to greet me.
He had perhaps the largest biceps I had ever seen
And his fists were more than big enough to beat me.

I said, “ I was sent to check on Debbie, make sure she’s okay
Debbie then appeared engulfed in sadness
She said, “wait a second, I know you, you’re there each Saturday.
Why the hell did they give you my address?

I said, “listen, I just wanted to make sure you were alright
We’ve become so close I care about you deeply
She said, “I just serve you chicken wings, what gives you the right!
Get the hell off of my porch, you’re fucking creepy!

So I got back in my car and I drove quickly away, for a moment there I feared for my life

I knew that I had overstepped
Her personal boundary
And I could never sit again in Debbies section

I thought from now on that after finishing the lawn, I should have a couple beers with my wife.

We’re old and fat with two grown kids
But just like Darwin said
You have to trust in natural selection

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress
On your personal reality try to keep a very firm grip
You’ve got a mortgage, a fat wife and four kids who need you
So pay the check and leave a generous tip